Could you please comment on these?? i need ur opinions...?

the following are some of my writings.. hope you could comment to each of them..


1st:


forever she looks from afar...


everything remains as it is. no winds of change could ever blow away the current stand, the existing truth, the mere reality.





forever as it is...


frozen in the coldness it brings. the weary heart he owns. imprisoned in the dark corners of his soul. she looks up in space for answers, waiting for hope to rain down upon her that could ease all her anxieties away..





take away... take me away





2nd:


stained truth





lies that are too blind to see


with the naked eye


rather it covers itself


the mere idea that deeply hurts


still not enough reasons


a need of strength


to unleash those chains


ignoring the pain of a dying heart


pierced with thorns


and yearns for truth...





3rd:


our eyes fixed..we remained silent, but our stare explained a hundred words.. told a thousand stories....





he caressed me gently with his hands. his warmth embraced me. i wish that i could just stay in that way forever. in a moment where my bare skin rubbed against his. where he could be close enough to share our intimate feelings. a time when we both get blinded by the love that's happening between us and only our heart's we feel. when it's just me and him that matters...





the moment was just too magical to explain with mere words.. my knight in shining armor takes me away, aboard his winged steed and brings me to his own world.. where he showered me with his love that only princesses deserved..





everything was there, the glittery lights, enchanting sounds from unseen or yet surround-sound speakers, the perfect view. even if the scene just played in my mind, if it was just my imagination or my neurons electrified.. it was certainly a package for a perfect fairytale.. my own fairytale

Could you please comment on these?? i need ur opinions...?
"forever she looks from afar... everything remains as it is" I love the wording of this one. The words capture your attention right away. Is there more to this one, there doesn't have to be because it's brevity is refreshing. The 3rd is also very nicely done. You paint a brilliant picture with your words... I can almost see it unfolding in my mind's eye. The words "or yet" seem to be out of place here but everything else is great. And stained truth speaks for itself, very nicely done with all three.
Reply:I don't know much about poetry. The only poem I know begins with:





There once was a man from Nantucket...


.
Reply:I think they are incredible. The first one speaks of rain coming down...My name...rain4him! The last one comes so close to a fairytale that I have written that I don't believe what I just read!


You will go far if you keep this up! I just can't believe it!omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...
Reply:These are beautiful


a description of many things


love of the heart


fairytale


glittery lights


description of truth


and it talks about magic
Reply:wow , its all good, you come from a dark place , but thats cool ,


im there too. i got some poetry you might like , if you want to hear it e-mail me .


but on your poem , its great stuff. i love the way you write
Reply:Dear poet, no writings are ever good enough. Even the most famous poets in the world continue to edit the poems...even Edward Fitzgerald, who wrote the most widely read poem in the English language: the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam.





Apart from that, no, they are not bad for a 17 year old. That being said, let's look at the poems.





1. "forever she looks from afar"...okay, tell the truth...how many times, outside of poetry, do you hear someone use the word "afar"? I didn't think so. However, worse than anachronistic, it's cliche...which is "death" to a poem. Yes, you may get other beginners to say "cool", but those who are more experienced will give you the same advice: stay away from things cliche. Your first poem is full of cliche expressions and your line breaks are random. A line break should be there for two reasons: to build a pause, or to maintain poetic structure. When you choose a break, make sure it fits the form (for example, to maintain a fixed meter) or intent (where a natural break would be found when speaking).


I see the image you're trying to invoke in the poem, and although it is a good one, it's been done many, many times, so your goal has to be to do it in a way that makes it fresh. A good poem has to do more than just repeat a known feeling, it should present a fresh perspective on it as well. It isn't bad to write poems that aren't great, I'm just telling you how to improve your poetry, that's all.





2. You have an error in agreement between "lies" and "it"...it's either plural or singular, but you have to choose.





lies that are too blind to see


with the naked eye


rather they cover themselves





or





A lie, too blind to see


with the naked eye


would rather it cover itself





can you see the difference? Otherwise, it wasn't a "bad" poem, it just didn't really go anywhere. I think it has possibilities though.





3. This is called "prose"...it's like a pretty story, but it's not poetry, even though there may be some poetic expressions, metaphor, etc. interspersed in it. It was a nice read.





So, edit, correct, rework, and keep writing. You obviously have desire and a sufficient command of the language, now you have to pick the right word and use it the right way to paint a picture rather than tell us a story.





Keep writing.
Reply:keep trying, just try a little harder. Broken punctuation does not poetry make.

sorrel