Do you think this a very good story that I have written?

I haven't quite finished it yet but it would be fantastic for you to comment on the story or write a review or perhaps anything that may help me out. You are welcome to say absolutely anything you want relating to the story. Thanks!


Cornelius Wackworth was a rather old and wispy man who was at least eighty years old.


He was very short and quite thin and balding with only a little bit of white hair sticking up on his boulder like head. He wore very large spectacles that magnified his narrowed and beady green eyes that always sparkled even though he was very old. Like many people his age his skin seemed to droop down like soggy wallpaper and wrinkles were abundant on his aged face. His attire was probably even more outdated than this frail old body.


Cornelius wore a plain white shirt with an even more plain black tie which resembled nothing except perhaps dignity and no taste at all whatsoever. Lower down Cornelius wore horrible brown pallid pants and very shiny black shoes which were laced up tightly.


He lived in a rather small and dingy flat with his dull wife Ginny Wackworth.


Ginny was slightly taller than her husband and she was rather stout and plump.


Ginny did not wear spectacles , however, her brown eyes were quite wide which gave her a look as though she were always started or surprised by something. Unlike her husband she had quite a lot of pearly white hair that seemed to be rather curly on her pear shaped head. She did not differ from Cornelius with the horrid wrinkles and saggy skin though and her attire was typical of a bland women who was proud of being “just right”.


She wore a very pink lacy like dress which stood out hideously with the surroundings and upon her feet were slightly flat black high heels. She also had stockings on her leg which went above the very bottom of her dress. She believed that stockings were a “ dignified” way of not showing your legs in a public area.


Both Cornelius and Ginny were retired and they did not have very much money for which they blamed the government who ( apparently to them) robbed the country and gave out “ measly pensions” that did not suffice to their type of lifestyle. They did indeed struggle to get by as the governments weekly pension was not an awful lot.


The flat in which The Wadsworth's lived was perhaps even worse than their financial situation. The dingy flat comprised only of four rooms: kitchen, living room, bathroom and bedroom. Once over the threshold the horrid house revealed itself to be very cramp indeed. Upon entering there was a very short and dingy hallway that lead to the living room which comprised of a dilapidated old sofa and an ancient Television. father along in the house through a doorway to the right was the kitchen which was so horrendously small that the occupants could probably swing a cat around and it would bump into the walls. The gloomy kitchen comprised of an outdated fridge and stove that had been cramped into the corner of the room in the most lazy sort of manner and a dodgy table that looked as though it would collapse at any moment was surrounded by several deck chairs in the very middle of the small kitchen. A broken window which was letting in a little stream of sunlight stood above the thoroughly rusted sink and basin.


Once re entering the living room and veering off to the right the bedroom could be found which was somehow even smaller than the kitchen. It comprised of one musty old king sized bed that literally almost sunk to the floor due to the occupants in it or perhaps the bed was merely a piece of rubbish that needed to be thrown out or even replaced.


The occupants in the bed of whom were snoring rather loudly and letting out deep grunts were indeed Cornelius Wackworth and Ginny Wackworth fast asleep.


“ Good Morning it is a glorious day in the city with the temperature today reaching a very humid 30 digress. After all the rain we have been having lately its finally time to chuck out the brolley and whip on those sunnies and hats! I hope you are having an excellent morning and look forward to your company in the next hour! The time is exactly 7:00am on the spot! You’re listening to Classical FM home of your favorite oldies music!”


A jubilant and upbeat mans voice echoed around the dingy bedroom and Cornelius woke with a wince and fell out of bed and onto the horribly musty green carpet. Very slowly craning his ancient neck up his bright green eyes fell upon a rather old radio set upon a dresser beside the bed in which the mans voice had been issuing from.


With an irritable grunt and a stupendous effort Cornelius hoisted himself up and then switched off the radio, his hand shaking madly as though it wanted to jump off.


“ Dear me, I got quite a fright from the man talking on the radio this morning” mumbled Cornelius “ It is time to get up dear” he added, very slowly hobbling round to face his wife who was still asleep.


“ Dear, it is time to get up” said Cornelius; however his wife continued to sleep on.


Cornelius let out a great big audible sigh then said in a remorseful tone: “ Oh I suppose it is the only way to wake her up, I mean I have been doing it for the past ten years”.


Looking at his wife in a rather sad way Cornelius hobbled away from the bed and glanced down at the floor. Upon the musty floor lay a rather large wooden walking stick which no doubt Cornelius used in aid of his old age and frail bones. He gazed at the walking stick apprehensively then with the speed that was perhaps slightly faster than a snail he bent his back and scooped up the walking stick. When he straightened up there was an ominous CRACK which was quite loud. Wincing in pain Cornelius allowed himself a few minutes to recover from this very fatal blow that had been dealt to him.


Once feeling a bit better Cornelius focused his gaze upon the walking stick once more then gazed up at Ginny who was still sleeping in bed. Letting out another sigh Cornelius hoisted up the walking stick as though it were some incredible weapon and poked Ginny rather feebly in the face. She did not stir. He tried again.


Then at last Ginny’s eyes flicked open and she gave her husband a stern look.


“ For heaven sakes Cornelius” snapped Ginny at her husband. “ Must you do this every single morning. I find it highly irrating and rather annoying especially since you poked me in the eye this morning you miserable dolt”.


“ I’m very sorry dear but I had to otherwise you would not wake up as you very well know” replied Cornelius in a rather feeble and weak voice.


“ I suppose you’re right” sighed Ginny, the stern look fading from her aged face. “ Now we must get ready hastily as you know we have to catch the bus into the city at 7:30 to have morning tea with your son, Cornelius, so come on off to the kitchen for breakfast”


“ But surely we have to change into our clothes first?” Cornelius asked his wife.


“ No we wear our clothes whilst we are sleeping, remember?” said Ginny, raising her pale white eyebrows once she had uttered the word “remember” to Cornelius.


Cornelius merely looking vaguely at his wife for a few seconds then he looked a lot more animated as he said to Ginny: “ Of course, that’s right. Quite practical and saves rather a lot of money as well….:”


“ Now lets have breakfast, shall we?” said Ginny pompously.


“ Yes, dear” replied Cornelius.


And together the pair hobbled rather slowly into the dingy living room.


Cornelius abruptly stopped right beside the horrible, dilapidated old couch.


“ Could I perhaps watch some television?” asked Cornelius, his green eyes upon the ancient television that was on the far side of the living room.


“ No you certainly may not” snapped Ginny. “ We do not have enough time for that as we are supposed to be meeting your son very soon for morning tea”


“ Oh that’s right” said Cornelius sounding rather disappointed and let down.


And together the old couple shuffled rather slowly from the living room into the kitchen.


Once they had entered the kitchen both of them glanced up at the broken window in which they could see the sun which was quite bright and a marvelous clear blue sky.


“ It is suppose to be rather warm today you know” said Cornelius abruptly. “ According to the voice that comes out of the radio its supposed to be 30”


“ Oh that’s going to be simply wonderful going around in the heat” sad Ginny darkly.


“Oh yes it should be absolutely spiffying seeing my son whilst enjoying the heat of the sun reign down upon my back” replied Cornelius happily, Ginny rolled her eyes impatiently.


“ Enough of your ramblings its time for breakfast Cornelius” she said.


Ginny wandered over towards the pantry which was located by the musty old sink and pulled open the door: the shelves were completely empty except for one old moldy breakfast cereal box.


“ Humph” sighed Ginny still staring into the pantry. “ It seems as though we have run out of food yet again but at least we have some cereal this morning”


Ginny lunged into the pantry ( very slowly) and grabbed the cereal box; however it appeared to be empty also. Ginny let out an irritable groan.


“ What’s the matter love? “ said Cornelius vaguely, still staring out of the window.


“ We have absolutely run out of all the food in the house yet again” said Ginny in a rather hysteric tone “ I suppose we will have to buy a whole lot of groceries whilst we are out and oh…..for heavens sake I was really looking forward to breakfast!” she added, her voice highly resembling the sound of someone being horribly whipped.


“ That’s a pity” said Cornelius. Ginny ignored her husband.


“ I suppose we better get going then otherwise we will miss the bus” she said, glancing at a rather ugly and scratched watch that she was wearing upon her wrinkly skin. The time read 7: 25am. Ginny let out a very drawn out gasp. Cornelius turned away from the window to look at her in a rather shocked manner as though she had just uttered a swear.


“ What is it dear?” asked Cornelius in a very sharp voice that he hardly ever used.


Ginny merely looked back at her husband blankly unable to tell him the awful atrocity that they had both bestowed upon themselves.


“ Dear, please tell me what is the matter? Has something horrible happened to you that you would perhaps like to tell me? I am all eyes and ears for you dear” said Cornelius raising his voice slightly. He was still look at Ginny in a rather alarmed sort of way.


Well… its just that in all my time that I have been married to you this is probably the most awful thing that has happened to me” sair Ginny in a rather high pitch voice.


“ What is it dear?” asked Cornelius apprehensively staring at his wife.


“ It has never happened to me before but… oh dear….” She let out a mad shriek which echoed around the gloomy and cramp kitchen. “ You… and I are going ….” She gave a whimper of fear as though she were frightened to finish the sentence. “ Cornelius…. We are going to be late to see your son… Oh it is so horrible!”


Ginny let out another horrible wail then with an almighty thud she collapsed onto the horrid floor, her eyes closed. She appeared to have fainted unable to take the awful horror and wretchedness of what had happened.

Do you think this a very good story that I have written?
Too much preamble and description instead of grabbing the reader's interest.
Reply:You don't have to put your story here, otherwise someone else will steal your idea of writing. You can give to the publisher straight.
Reply:It's too long for anyone to read it. Here, I mean.


You should go and join Storywrite. It's a good site to publish your stories and getting them commented. There are loads of competitions too
Reply:I think maybe you spent too much time describing the characters and setting that you weren't able to capture interest from the reader (or from me, at least). Tone down a little on your descriptive stuff and build up on the actual story.





Also, try using less "and"s. It's not very good if there are too many in one sentence.





Near the end, I noticed you kept using the word "horrible". Try to refrain from using the same word over again because it becomes kind of annoying.





Hope this helps!


MollyWobblesSrz

oxalis