Okay. i rewrote my first chapter...how does it sound?

“Will you vote for me or what?” I questioned with my sign proudly displayed between my hands. He just stood there. At first all I could think was, Idiot, but then again, maybe he just couldn’t hear with all the candidates screaming, “VOTE ME! VOTE ME!” at the top of their lungs. I rolled my eyes and started to drop my poster when he quickly turned away and headed for his locker.


“Ughhh!” I let out. All this stress for hopefully becoming the new Granite Falls Secretary was taking its toll on me, and the pressure was showing. I moved over to chant my name at another crowd of kids, when the bell finally rang.


“Thank god.” I was sick of campaigning, and rushed to my locker before getting ambushed by freshman.


After opening my locker, number two-eighteen-which is located right in Jockville, not by choice. All I ever hear is the cheerleaders gushing over their oversized football boyfriends and on game days there is a lot of obnoxious screaming and yelling, “Go Tigers!” Luckily, today was not game day. I have had all the yelling I could stand today – So, I rolled up my poster, grabbed my English binder, and headed off to lunch.


Granite Falls High is the new school to town of Granite Falls. Ever since I moved here from England when I was one, I have never experienced anything this nice here before. Granite Falls High is huge. My first day here I thought I was walking up to a mall. The front of the school is about two stories tall, paneled with glass windows from side to side with huge beams holding up a metal canvas overhang roof. Which is needed here in the Olympic peninsula of Washington, where it rains or snows the majority of the year.


The cafeteria was extremely empty today, and I pondered why as I stood in line.


“Did you hear where everyone went today?” I overheard someone say.


“No, where? I haven’t even seen Jared. Where did they go?” the girl known as Zoey asked, now worried. Jared was her boyfriend, whom, if rumor has it, she was using him. Poor thing, I actually felt bad for him.


“Well, I heard a few of the guys saying they went to go camping, but I have no idea why.” The other girl, I think her name was Miranda said.


“Hmmm…” Zoey pursed her lips,” that’s really odd. I’ll have to call him later I guess.”


I turned. Who on earth would skip school to go camping of all things? The majority of the school, for that matter. I wondered.


“Today would be nice, I do have to eat sometime.” I heard someone say behind me in an irritated voice. I snapped out of my reverie, and stepped forward to grab my “yummy” lunch. I grimaced at the thought of good cafeteria food. But, to my much dismay, today was good-ole’ sloppy joe day, and I was hating every bit of it. I mean, honestly, how much fillers do they use in it? Wouldn’t it be easier to just make the meat yourself instead of stuffing it with fat or whatever that white hard stuff was?


After arguing with the lunch lady about my next payment of a ridiculous amount of money, I walked over to my lunch table, where my only real friend sat engulfed in his lunch, Stephen.


He was the only one I felt I could say anything to. Someone that knew me, just as well as I knew him. Some people would say we could be joined at the hip.


I try to stay out of as much drama as I can. Sure I had a lot of “friendly acquaintances and got invited to too many to count parties with alcohol and god knows what else, but me and Stephen try to avoid that for our own health. Plus, with my luck, something would go wrong and I’d be the one to blame. If I even say one word to their so-called “boyfriends” then I’d get shot down by their lame comebacks, and I just don’t feel like dealing with senseless idiots. Pretty much eliminating most of the girls at Granite Falls. Most of them being cheerleaders or the cheerleader wanna-be’s.


The wanna-be’s were girls that did whatever their cheerleader wanted. I guess cheerleader does work in this particular instance. It made me sick to watch them get used like that. All they wanted was to be in the IN-crowd. It seemed like to me, that’s been their life ambition. Now that’s a story they can tell to their kids, “Now listen to me kids, when I was in high school I got used by cheerleader. I was so cool…” NOT.


I spotted Stephen then, breaking me from my thoughts.


“Hey, what cha’ doing?” I asked Stephen. He popped his head up.


“Oh, I didn’t see ya, umm… just eating, you know, it’s what we do when go to lunch.” He added.


I ignored his sarcasm, and asked, “What’s up? Are you okay?” He’s never really blown me off like that.


“Yeah, I guess, it’s just a bad day, sorry.” He said apologetically.


“No worries.” I ended it then. I don’t like seeing him like this-which I rarely did- so I didn’t want to drag it further.


We sat there quietly eating for the rest of the hour.


As we got up to throw our trays away, I noticed the same kid that had ignored me when I was campaigning. I have seen him around, but never really saw him before. This time, he was amazing. How could I’ve not noticed how subtly his eyelids open and shut covering alluring hazel-blue eyes. His hair playfully teased his face as it cascaded down to his eyes. His deep chestnut hair contrasted with his flawless pale skin. I must have looked pretty pathetic, because two seconds after he turned and looked at me. His sensual and yet playful laugh made me blush, and I knew I had to look away. He started to get up clearly to throw his food away, and that’s about when I noticed he hadn’t touched his food.


“Hmm.” That’s odd, I thought. Even though I was completely against cafeteria food, I still ate the wretched stuff just to get my stomach to shut up.


“You okay?” Stephen asked, waiting behind me.


I turned back to Stephen, still in shock, “Yeah, I’m f-fine.” We walked out of the cafeteria, hand in hand, to my next class. Every once in a while, we would hear people talking about how odd it was for two best friends to always walk hand in hand, but we ignore it every time.


Me and Stephen go way back to our diaper years, exchanging milk bottles and always getting in trouble by our parents, we became inseparable, and ever since, it’s been the same.


After middle school, Stephen had grown about a foot, now six foot and one-eighth of an inch, and had brownish sun bleached curly hair that came to his ears contrasting his bright golden brown eyes. He had the build of a football player including his olive somehow tan skin, but never touched a ball in his life.


Like yin and yang, I couldn’t be much more opposite. I hadn’t grown barely since the sixth grade, being five foot even, and had small features, including a button nose that always was called “cute” and “adorable” when I was young. My straight, long hair was a shade of auburn and my skin alabaster white, which complemented my deep green eyes.


Our conversation wasn’t anything interesting today, mainly about my campaign. Why is he acting so weird today?, I asked myself. I thought about all the possible reasons, including parents, other girls, and maybe even school. But, those were all impossible, since his parents aren’t even home anytime of the day or night, he didn’t seem interested in another girl lately, and he was an honor student. Hmm. Interesting. I’d ask him about it later at his house.


After two classes of thinking about what happened at lunch, I slowly paced myself to my locker. All too soon, I arrived there.


“Hey Eve. How was English?” Stephen asked. He was leaning up against my locker and helped me with my poster. Stephen was the only person outside my family that called me anything besides my real name. I guess because not many people were able to get closer to me then just an acquaintance to call me anything else. Some of my other friends- just at school anyway- call me Eva. But, sometimes I think people think Eve is Stephen’s thing and no one else’s. I shrugged at that thought. My mom got my name from my great-great grandmother. Evangeline Anne Carvoso the second.


“Hey, it was good, the usual boring. Gym?” I asked.


“It was great! I got asked to join the basketball team! Do you even believe it?” He rejoiced, picking me up and twirling us around.


“Jeez! Congrats, but why the sudden happiness, you hate basketball?” I questioned, catching my breath.


“I don’t know, but I’ve got something really fun planned for us at my house today. That’s what’s making me excited.” He announced.


“What is it? I want to know!” I started hopping up and down. “Pleaseeee!” I begged.


“Wait until we get there!” he started, “Trust me, you’ll want to wait.”


I put my hands under my face and made the famous sad puppy dog face. I knew it was stubborn, but I loved it when Stephen did stuff like this for me. It made me feel special.


“No, you’re going to ruin it.” He grabbed my lock and closed the door, placing the lock in its spot.


“Fine, but the second I walk in, you better spill.” I confirmed.


“I will, don’t worry.” He agreed.


We walked out of school, my mind off wondering what the surprise was, and my hands starting to get clammy.


As we walked up to his beat up 1960 Ford truck, he let go of me and opened my door, as I hopped in. His truck was faded red. Actually, I don’t think that the color of his truck could even make the color charts it was so faded. But, he kept it so nice and waxed up it looked like a million bucks. It was his grandfather’s before he passed away, and then Stephen got it. He keeps it looking like an antique now. He’s even put it in a few car shows.


“Stop worrying, okay, it’s not like last time I surprised you.” He assured.


I laughed. The last time, and I thought literally be the last time to surprise me, he had me blindfolded as I walked in. From there on, I only heard the screaming of smoke alarms, and the scent of smoke twirling around me. Too bad the cake was burned, as Stephen found out, you can’t put a cake on “simmer” all day and expect it to be alright.


“Well, I could’ve told you about the cake.” I teased. We laughed for a moment, after turning up the radio and making a fool out of ourselves.


We arrived to his house within 5 minutes, thank god it was close, and I peered out the window to make sure nothing was burning.


“So far so good. No burning going on tonight.” I laughed.


“ So far” he said jokingly. “You ready?”


“As I’ll ever be,” I assured mostly to myself, and started to open the door.


The icy air whip lashed my face, sending a shock through my body. We are in the middle of fall so that was the least I could expect. Although, five minutes ago it was dead calm and a cool gust came once in a while, but this was fifteen degrees cooler and much windier. I looked over at Stephen rubbing his hands together breathing in them, as he walked over to me.


“Dang, it got a lot colder all of a sudden, Eve.” He looked over at his house and then smiled a warm smile back to me. I love it when he smiles at me. It reminds me of sun, so warm and brilliant.


He grabbed my hand and helped me out as we walked up the stairs to his front door. His house was a subtle grey and was built like a stilt house. It was big inside, but you would never tell from the outside. The wood accents were scattered all about the house, covering their front door and stairs, along with every window frame. The grass wasn’t kept up, due to the constant cold drizzle or snow. But this house had personality. Anyone could see that.


“Okay, close your eyes.” He spoke softly. I could hear the smile in his voice.


“I’m scared now.” I quivered as my eyes shut.

Okay. i rewrote my first chapter...how does it sound?
It's very realistic. Great job!
Reply:Sounds little bit boring. But maybe I'm just not the guy reading this kinda stuff. Though you have a lot of description and shown your characters slowly. Good work.





Nice day!
Reply:In my opinion it sounds really good. Since I am going to become an author myself and I am writing a book as well. Are you writing a book?
Reply:I like it alot you might want to include who old the two are.....and how old are you. I am also writing a book and I am 12. well good luck with the rest
Reply:That's a great start, but it should be Freshmen not Freshman, becuz that would be referring 2 one person...


I'm a writer myself, so I enjoy reading other people's works.
Reply:Sounds good. =)

china green