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It was a normal day for Anne and Kelly, who were laying about in Kelly’s bedroom, rather bored, for they had nothing to do. They had offered to clean up the neighbor-
hood, but their mothers had refused, seeing the hot weath-
er was rather....well, hot. Considering anything besides going outside, their list was rather short. “ What can we do?” cried Kelly. “ Could we IM Jane, Matt , Sandy, and
Lina at the same time? That would be fun.” suggested A-
nne. “Okay ” said Kelly, getting up. “ No need.” said a
voice behind them. They turned around, to find Sandy,
Jane, Matt, and Lina waiting for them. Kelly groaned loudly–––-she really wanted to IM them, not meet them.
“ Hey. What’s up?” asked Sandy, a tall, broad shouldered,
blond haired guy, who was the founder of six kids
so-called “group”. They never even met during the school year. Now, seeing it was summer, they met each other frequently, every other day. “Nothing. You?” replied Anne. “We were goin’ to that woods behind Rain Orchids.” said Lina. “They–—” she pointed to the guys--- “ claim there is a haunted house. Smack in the middle of the woods. A haunted house. In the woods ”she said, exclaiming it loudly. “ Yeah, right, we believe you, you’re down right we do,” said Kelly, though she looked like she was interested. “ Hmmm... there was something, uh, never mind.” said Jane, who was really thoughtful and curious about things like that. “ No, go on We wanna listen, don’t we?”said Kelly quickly. There were murmurs and nods of agreement. “Well, if you want to know, there was a house
owned by a business tycoon in the woods behind Rain Orchids, a man. He was a millionaire, and people would
die to meet him. He was really generous; he practically
owned Rain Orchids, he did donate a lot of money, and about anyone he met that seemed poor, he would give billions of dollars away to them,” Jane filled them in. “Wow.He sounds amazing But why would he live in the woods?A great man like him?” asked Anne. “I bet for secrecy,”said Matt. He also was a broad shouldered, tall guy, but with brown colored hair and green eyes, unlike Sandy, who had blue eyes. “Yeah, I guess. He wouldn’t want to be interviewed by The Journal everyday, now would he?” said Lina. She was a beautiful girl with sleek, shiny brown hair up to her waist. She also had blue eyes
and a fair skin complexion. “ Well, that makes sense, but, two things: What was his name, and was The Journal even established than?” asked Kelly, Lina’s twin; naturally,
she looked just like Lina, only with blond hair and glasses.
“Well, I think his name was Wayne Lenmore, and yes, The Journal was established then. Oh yeah, it was a long time ago, ‘bout the 1970s.” finished Jane, who was a tall, blue eyed girl with brown curly hair. “Then....um, lets GO Come on ” exclaimed Kelly, who was eager to find out about this “haunted house”. Everyone knew what she was
talking about, so they all hurried to Rain Orchids. Once there, they all asked Ms. Percidal about a man known to
live in the woods. Ms. Percidal was a thin, tall woman
with brown hair usually tied up in a ponytail. She babbled:
“Yes, there was a man, once, a long time ago, who was very generous indeed. He helped this old apple orchid a lot; I did him a bit of a favor: he wanted those woods, and I sold them to him. Never seen him after that, though, you’d think he would come back tovisit ” said Ms. Percidal. “But was his name Wayne Lenmore?” asked Anne. “ I believe so,” said Ms. Percidal.“Were those woods yours?” asked Sandy. He wore an eager expression like the rest. “Yes. They were mine, sold to me by an young man, around the age of 20. He looked quite happy to get rid of the land.” replied Ms. Percidal.“Did Mr. Lenmore have a house in the woods?” asked Matt. “ Not that I know of,” asked Ms. Percidal. After thanking Ms. Percidal, the group went to go in the woods.“Well I think the house is haunted, don’t care what you five think.” said Lina, the minute they got out of the orchid. “Well, I sure don’t. It’s all a bunch of nonsense, if you ask me,” said Sandy. “Well, no one is asking you, so you can keep your thoughts to your self,” snapped Lina.
“Ooooh, look, there’s a house Over there See it?” said Jane. “Where?” were the answers to Jane’s question. They
all ran to the area Jane indicated. “See? Told you Bet it’s
Wayne Lenmore’s...spooky,” she said, after glancing at it. It was at least seven stories high, with windows that were
broken and cracked and had shutters that were brown and the paint was peeling off. The overall house was a brown,
tinge and was rather black, but the paint, like the shutters, was peeling. The little grass around the house was brown and murky, making it look like a real haunted house. “Well...should we go in?” asked Matt. “Maybe.....or not.”
said Kelly. “Come on We’ll take a look, come out. We’ll
knock first,” he added, after seeing the expression on Jane’s face, who was frowning slightly. “Okay...” she agreed, looking weary. They all approached the house, and Matt knocked. RAP. RAP. RAP. He knocked. There was a slight sound, from the depths of the woods, and all was sil-
ent. “Well, looks like Wayne isn’t home. Lets go in,” said Sandy. “Uh, I don’t think–––“ started Kelly. “Lets go,” said Matt in a firm voice. They entered, and the inside of the
house was ruined; the house had white walls, but with pe-
eling paint. The chairs and couches were green and fancy looking, but with moth-eaten fabric covered over the rotti-
ing wood shaped for the couch. There were stairs, but they
were black and looked like they were once burned. The house felt rather cold and misty; the only light came from the blazing sun outside. “This is...well, kind of––-” “Creepy, yeah,” finished Kelly for Lina. TAP. TAP. TAP. “What– what was that?” asked a nervous Anne. “It came from upstairs ” yelled Jane. “Shh I’m trying to listen ” said Matt, but the sound grew louder, and louder, until it sounded like it was right next to them. “Lets GO Ahhhh Help Someone Help ” the girls screamed. “QUIET SHH yelled Sandy. “RUN NOW ” They all ran and ran until they were out of the woods. Panting, Sandy spoke to the frightened girls. “That was something...something...a animal,” he finished lamely. “An animal,” repeated Lina, fuming at him. “We could have––” started Lina. “—died ” screamed Kelly. “No,” said Jane. “We could have found out who is the ghost of Lenmore Mansion Or what is the ghost. Whatever.” Jane corrected Kelly. She turned to Anne, “Um, why did you scream, ‘Run now’ ? That was totally little kid’s stuff to do.” Anne just looked puzzled.
“ I didn’t scream anything,” There was a pause. “Then who did?” asked Jane. There were shrugs and frowns of the question. “Well, I think we should never go back to that creepy place.” said Kelly. “Weren’t you so keen to go
there in the first place, Kells?” asked Sandy. Kelly blushed,
and muttered, “Uh, well,----no----I mean, well–---- um, ma-
be, sort–yeah,” she said, trying to hide her face. “Anyway,”
said Matt, “ We should try finding out about Wayne. Does anyone have suggestions?” he asked. “ We could find old
issues of The Journal , and see if there is anything about him
in there,” suggested Lina. “Yeah That’s a great idea ” they all exclaimed.”But lets meet here tomorrow, ‘cause I gotta
leave for a reception party tonight.” said Jane. “Me too,”
said Lina. “ Not tomarrow,no.”said Sandy. “I’m goin’ to
Georgia for a week.” “And I’m leaving for Virginia for a week.” said Anne. “Back here, in week, guys? We’ll see each other in a week. And find as much you can about this Wayne Lenmore, okay?” said Matt.
It was a long week for everyone. Lina and Jane were looking marvelous at the reception party that night, wearing identical dresses of a turquoise-green color, ankle–length with shawl that was not out-of-place, but made them look “fantabulous.” Sandy and Anne stayed at luxurious hotels in Virginia and Georgia, eating fine feasts
and taking long dips in the pools there. Also,they all frequently instant messaged each other, to ensure about what they had found out about the mysterious house....
Kellz356: U guyz there?
AlwayzAnn : Im here, don’t know about nobody else.
Kellz356: Matt?
Matt-Dude: yep, matt here.
AlwayzAnn: Did any of u guyz find out about
AlwayzAnn: Wayne Lenmore?
Lina-iz-cool has just signed on.
Lina-iz-cool: hey. Did u find about Wayne L.???
Matt-Dude: we were talking bout that...??did u guyz???
Lina-iz-cool: not really...
AlwayzAnn: well, he was in the 45th issue of the journal
Kellz356: how do u no?
AlwayzAnn: went online and researched about him on
AlwayzAnn: searchpeople.com ... pretty easy,too.
Kellz356: well, I’m sorry, but I have to go...later
AlwayzAnn: BYE
Matt-Dude: later
Lina-iz-cool: bye, Kelly
Kellz356 has just signed out.
Matt-Dude: well, maybe we should find out more.....
AlwayzAnn: yeah, we should.
Jane101 has just signed on.
Jane101: hey guys. Did anyone find out about Wayne?
Matt-Dude: ann got sumthing that he was in the journal
Jane101: Was he really?
AlwayzAnn: do I ever lie? No, so yes, he wuz.
Jane101: Cool That was a fact even I didn’t know
AlwayzAnn: B-)
Jane101: That’s the cool sign, right?
AlwayzAnn: Duh, Jane, duh
Lina-iz-cool: gotta go, bye, eat dinner...
Jane101: no u don’t cuz dinner’s not redy; I live with u, remember, sis????
AlwayzAnn: *groan*
Jane101: lol Heeeeeheeeheee
Sandybeachs21 has just signed on.
Sandybeachs21: hey
AlwayzAnn: gotta go, later guyz and sandy...
AlwayzAnn has just signed out.
Sandybeaches21: I’ve gotta go 2, later %26amp; sorry about that
Sandybeaches21 has just signed out.
Matt-Dude: no use staying here, later.
Matt-Dude, Jane101, and Lina-iz-cool have signed out.
It was a couple days after that when the group met.
Anne, who was the most knowledgeable one there, had taken the most amount of interest in Wayne Lenmore’s life. As she told them on instant messenger, she had found out that he was in the 45th issue of The Journal. Seeing as it was published only very recently in his time, he was quick to be
published in it. Wayne Lenmore had been quite an interesting person, as Anne had put it.
“No, he was only 26 when he inherited his mother’s
fortune,” said Anne, busy online finding out more about Wayne Lenmore. “You’ve been on for an hour researching him? You said you were on an assignment for history ” yelled Kelly. “Now
let me on ” she yelled. “Come on Kelly, it’s not an hour, and he has-he had, I mean,an amazing life Please, just–––just ten
more minutes ” pleaded Anne. “‘Had?’ ‘Had?’ What do you mean, ‘had’?” Matt asked Anne. “He...he...he died three years ago.” Anne stuttered. “He did? How?” asked Kelly.
“A mystery. No one knows why, how, when––-just the fact that three years ago.” replied Anne. “Wow...” said Sandy, from the bed.He was evidently pretending to be asleep. “Does it say where he was last spotted?” asked Jane, curious and silent, sitting on the floor. “It says in Willford,Connec––– ” she started to say, but Lina broke her off. “Thats here, right here He was last spotted in Willford, Connecticut That here He was spotted right HERE She yelled loudly so that Bane, the group’s dog, barked and turned over on its stomach. “Yes, right here,” said Anne, calmly with a smile.
Is my story ok? please tell me! i want to know!?
I think it has a lot of issues. You need an editor - seriously. First of all, you apparently don't know that every time a new person speaks, you change paragraphs. Secondly, you tend to write the way you THINK an author should write instead of using your own "voice". You write in the passive voice. By the end of the first paragraph (which was a horror to get through) I had totally lost any interest in reading any more. No, I don't think it is OK. It needs a ton of work. Your idea is fine, but your technique is seriously lacking.
----
They're, Their, There - Three Different Words.
Careful or you may wind up in my next novel.
Pax - C
Reply:i think its great! your very creative =]
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