Do you think this chapter is OK??

I am making a novel and I just finished the first chapter.


please give comments or suggestions or criticize me if you want.





(this is not a rough draft. I edited it more than 3 times.) do you think there is still something wrong with it? Do you hate my grammar??





By the way, I'm sisteen and I'm a Filipina.


: ) thank you very much..


(Its very long so i dont expect that you will read all of it)





CHAPTER 1


“Warmth and Coldness”





The warm afternoon wind blew gently through the air and the birds flew swiftly in the skies. The clouds were moving slowly with clear shapes forming. The grass was blown back and forth with each breeze passing by and the colors of the earth were intense with life thriving on it joyfully. As this continued, it was hard for any creature to leave the place for it brings happiness and warmth to the one who lays on the soft grass and sees the marvelous work of art that nature has made the land.


Al lay still on the grass. He was a strong and courageous boy of ten. His eyes shone in the light of the sun; the sun, which gives life to the plants and the birds and everything surrounding it. “Sometimes, it can also take life away with its burning heat, the heat that burns the forests and brings pain” he thought while trying to look directly at the large ball of fire floating above the sky. Al looked around. He did not want to leave the comfort of nature that leads him to think of his future and what tomorrow has in stored for him. He wanted to stay here forever with his family and friends, cherishing every moment with each other. His seven-year old brother, Matthew was enjoying the sight of the robins and the colorful butterflies fluttering around. And then he closed his eyes and imagined that he was flying with the birds and other remarkable creatures of the skies. His wings spread mightily, which covered the vast field. He opened his eyes. They sparkled with his thought of having wings. Then, he closed them again gently, trying to picture his wings that became visible after a while. His beautiful wings, he imagined, were strong and pure white in color, as white as the first drop of snow in winter or even that of the most expensive paint. The feathers were soft but tough and when he flapped his wings, a great wind would sweep others off their feet. He suddenly opened his eyes again and faced Al upon hearing a familiar sound. “What do you think is for dinner tonight?” asked Matthew when he heard his stomach growling in hunger. “Grilled fish, probably. That’s why mother told us earlier to ask for charcoal from Mrs. Jenkins after all the work in the farm is done. ” Replied Al while facing the sky, smiling. “They’re very kind.” He continued and chewed a sugar cane slowly, trying to sip its sweet juice. Matthew’s stomach growled again. This time, it was louder. The two boys tittered like the time when they used to visit the insane malodorous man of the town who tries to make everybody laugh with his bad jokes. He would stop everybody from walking just to say, “What did the orange tell the apple? It said that the Pythagorean Theorem is only used for right triangles!” Then the man would laugh loudly as if it was the end of the world. It was not because of that joke that Al and Matthew tittered, it was because of the man; the man who laughed at his own jokes and is proud of it. Over and over, he would tell the same joke for the whole day then change the topic the next day which was his routine. The two boys laughed again, thinking about it. “Want some?” Al said while pulling a sugar cane out of his pocket. Matthew nodded in reply and together, they went back to the land of their imagination and dreams.


Sometime after Matthew finished his sugar cane, he fell asleep and dreamed that something terrible had happened. In a closed room, he saw some people who were crying, in grief and in despair. Others pretended to be feeling the same way to seem as if they needed comfort. This nightmare of his was truly depressing. Matthew wanted to leave the saddening place but unfortunately could not. “Open! Please open…” He tried to open the door but it would not budge. Then, a drop of rain fell and his dreaming ended with the flash of lightning.


“Hurry up!” Al told Matthew. It was already raining hard and a storm, according to the local news from which the brothers have heard on the radio earlier, was about to hit the area. The birds and animals took cover even before the first drop of rain fell, and Matthew sadly bid them goodbye. The brothers wanted to stay but the strong wind and cold rain prevented them to do so and it replaced the warmth and life of the place earlier. It was too dangerous for the two boys to stay in an open field with a storm, which kills and destroys everything in its path.


Al got their things and hurriedly ventured home with Matthew, both of them under Al’s old thin coat. Unfortunately, the wind blew his ragged coat away. They looked at it for some time as it was tossed roughly by the wind; up and down it went until it vanished from their sights. But even with the defiance of nature’s fury, they still made most of what was left of the day. They laughed loudly as they bathe in the freezing but refreshing rain. “After all, we can’t live with only the sun” Al said. “The rain gives back the water that the sun has taken from the land,” extended Matthew. They both smiled. Continuing each other’s sentence was their assurance that they really were brothers. It meant that they had a lot in common and a connection in some way.


Al tried to keep the water from escaping his concaved hands, but he could not. The only thing that kept his hands full of rainwater is the continuous drop of rain from the sky. He was doing this while walking on the road full of stones. Matthew, on the other hand, was playing with the puddles, jumping on them and avoiding the area without water. Al felt bothered when he saw what his brother was doing for he knows that a storm does not threaten people with its power and strength but its what it leaves behind that everyone is afraid of. “Matthew!” he shouted, worrying. “Be careful!” he continued. Matthew, too caught up in playing with the puddles, disregarded what his brother said. Al did not like what was happening. He hurriedly approached his brother and without looking where he was walking on, he suddenly fell into a deep puddle. Matthew could not believe what had happened. “Could there really be a puddle as deep as this one?” He thought as he waited helplessly for his brother to come out. Al knew where he was but could not see through the muddy water. Weakly, he tried to move his feet but it was no use, they were in rigor. He was now very afraid, afraid to suffer and die in this way. Life was slowly moving away from him when his breathing stopped. And when he is all out of breath, death will surely come. Al moved his hands and fingers “Good, they’re still responding” he thought in relief. Laboriously, he held the sides of the puddle as support while he climbed. And with all his strength, he was able to hoist himself up and out of the horrible place. Tired and worn out, he lay on the ground with his feet still in the water. “Are you alright?” asked Matthew. “Yes, I think so.” Al replied while catching his breath and took his feet out of the water. Matthew helped his brother massage his feet “What did the puddle look like on the inside?” Asked Matthew again, curiously. “That is no puddle, it’s a well.” Al stated. He remembered that during the sunny days, they would avoid the well while passing through in fear of falling into it. But whenever Mr. Jenkins tells them to fetch water, they had no choice but to oblige. It had no hedge or even a proper cover. Still, it was a well, the well where the people near the farm get water. These people, these lazy people did not care about the consequences that the unsafe well will bring as long as they are not affected. Desperate, Al and Matthew persistently pushed a large debris towards the well to cover its inconvenience, to cover the water that the people perennially took for granted and to forever cover the selfishness that has brought trouble to all of them.


Just when Al and Matthew thought that they were safe, it started to rain harder. They began to feel the coldness of every drop of rain like tiny needles; its sharp points that pierce through the skin. Quivering, they blew their warm breath onto their shivering hands while rubbing both against each other. Trying to overcome the coldness of the wind was hard to do. How can one try to think besides the reality? Even with their imagination, they were no match for the truth- that if they were to stay longer outside, they will eventually die; their bodies scattered across the field or even crushed that no one could tell who they were. Their laughter faded away.


For hours, they struggled to go back home. If it weren’t for the storm and the strong wind pushing them back, they would have been home thirty minutes ago. The rage of lightning followed their every step. It was as if it was targeting them. And it seemed that it was enjoying the challenge of hitting the two boys. Debris from the ruined structures of farmhouses were flown everywhere; banging everything out of its way leaving only havoc.


Finally, they reached the river. It was the source of water in their small village, the source of life. They would bathe and fish there during summer and eat the ripe oranges of the trees in spring. Hunger was of no threat to them for the river was their provider. No one ever complained about food in their area. It was fish for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But after sometime, they became sick of the fishes that willingly jump into their nets and take the bait callously like they did not know what the hook was for. But they knew very well. They have accepted the truth that they were among the poor animals that serve as food for men, who in turn abuse them. The noble fishes were just waiting to be caught and eaten.


Oh how Al and Matthew longed for meat. The only time they could eat a juicy piece of pork is during Christmas day when their father brings home enough money. Sometimes, their mouth water for a year or two without a single taste of it and because of this, they long more for the delicious tender meat.


Compared to other children, they were very lucky. Others have no shelter to sleep in but theirs was way better. It was a home, a home where their family happily lived together. Their clothes were tattered and old but at least they had it, others had none. Other children had no food to eat and slept in the night with an empty stomach but Al and Matthew had fish, plenty of it and they were still unsatisfied. The thought of it struck them. They realized they were unthankful for the things God gave them.


It was because of this life-giving river that they were hindered; the river that has now become a death pit. Its once shallow waters became deep and murky. It was flowing rapidly, carrying with it the unfortunate animals that fell into its waters. It was overflowing. Some say that plenty is advantageous but in this case, it was not. Too much of anything cannot be good. The vigorous flow of the water, just like the storm, engulfed everything in its path. This made the land erode that even the largest of the trees could not stop. It made Al and Matthew’s shoes soggy but they had no time to think about that, they were too busy trying to save their lives. The erosion dragged an uprooted tree and it fell down. “Look out!” Matthew warned Al while pushing his inattentive brother out of the way. The orange tree that tumbled was God’s answer to Al’s prayer. Its trunk was long enough to reach the other side and it replaced the bridge that was destroyed by the hasty flow of water earlier.


Al and Matthew carefully crossed the perilous river together while crawling on the tree’s rough surface. At last, they reached the other side. Matthew, who was climbing down saw an orange. It was very odd for that kind of tree to bear a fruit in the beginning of fall. The most peculiar thing was that the orange was the single one growing. But even though it was out of season, it was not overripe or unripe, it was just right to eat. It was too big for his pocket so he covered the orange with his brown barrette and held it in his hands mindfully as if it was a brittle piece of figurine.


Al heedfully climbed the slope to get to the road back home. He was the one who ensured that the road was safe for them and avoided every crack, puddle and rock. The one thing he forgot is that the road was slippery and it made him fall on his back. Matthew, walking behind Al and following his every step also fell with him. He dropped the fruit and it rolled away, back to the steep slope by the river. Running, he got it again. It was covered with mud and was undesirable to eat but he was desperate to take it back home, home to give it to their mother. “She’ll love this!” Matthew thought while grinning. The storm was still threatening them and the wind was strong with the rain falling heavily. From afar, they saw their house and their sense of hope and anticipation grew.


Finally, after their long and exhausting voyage, the two brothers got home safely. Even with their scratches and bruises, they were very thankful and will be always thankful to God for saving them.

Do you think this chapter is OK??
good idea...








As this continued, it was hard for any creature to leave the place for it brings change that sentence





Al lay still on the grass. He was a strong and courageous boy of ten.





don't say that hes strong and courageous show that with actions his details not his qualities








lol ok I'm not even guna try to read all of this but this is what i think.. u say it to much like a narrator say the story and show his persanality thorugh actions
Reply:that was very ok i loved it!!! cant wait to buy it=]
Reply:I can't even finish reading the whole thing because it reminds me of how bad a writer I am. Great chapter! It really pulls you in. Keep it up!


P.S. You're writing (and imagery) are amazing!
Reply:Too wordy throughout, I would say. Let me change one sentence as an example.





"The warm afternoon wind blew gently through the air and the birds flew swiftly in the skies."


{Birds swiftly flew through the warm afternoon breeze.}





Try to say what you need but don't put too much frosting on the cake. Find a one-word replacement for "swiftly flew" (sailed?) and it'll be further improved. Perhaps give the birds a name (warblers, finches, etc) as well.





Dai Alanye


http://alanye.com/