Is this a good beginning to my new book? really long?

I watched as the trees and houses zoomed by out the window of the school bus on this very rainy and gloomy day. Everyone my age has a car and is driving to school; everyone except me. I am without a car due to my mother’s idea of saving gas money. By now we were thirty minutes from school and half way done with the bus route. I noticed the bus starting to turn down a new road, the road where the rich and stuck-up people live.


Great , I thought to myself, some rich kid must have wrecked their new car.


The bus stopped at the most beautiful house on the block- white bricks, dark roof, green grass and shrubs- I’ve never seen anything like it. It was almost like it glowed… Then something caught the corner of my eye, a guy. The most perfect guy I’ve ever seen. Tall, fair skin, dark hair, piercing brown eyes. Of course he’s going to be the most popular and conceited guy at school, the handsome rich ones always are. He must be a new student I thought.


He was coming towards me, looking for a spare seat.


“Is this spot taken?” he asked with the most perfect voice I’ve ever heard. Smooth, silky, soft…


What do you think! Does it look like someone is sitting there! I wanted to shout at him.


“No” I answered and added a disgusted, death glare to help persuade him not to sit there.


“Good”, he replied and sat down next to me.


How dare he!


“Hi, I’m Luke” he said with a perfect and charming smile.


“Ashlen” I mumbled without looking at him. I could feel his eyes burning through me.


I saw some girls up front look at him and giggle but he just ignored them.


“I just moved here with my family from up north, my parents decided it was time for a change”, he said. “This is not how I pictured Oklahoma to be at all, I imagined it to be arid and dead.”


I gazed out the window and understood why he would think that. When most people think of Oklahoma they think of the dust bowl back in the 1930‘s. Fact is, Oklahoma’s not like that at all. It’s green with fields and trees and alive with the hustle and bustle of people rushing to their jobs with tall buildings in the cities and bright lights during the nighttime.


The bus finally came to a halt at the school.


“Well, hopefully I’ll see you around!” said Luke as he was getting up to get off the bus. I watched as everyone stared at him in awe.


I got off the bus and went to my usual spot under the awning waiting for the bell to ring.


I can’t believe he sat next to be, that jerk. He probably just wanted to make me look bad. Him, charming and flawless and me, dull and repetitive…


“Hey, Ashlen! Did you see that new kid!”, this was more of a statement than a question, “His name is Luke Evans and I heard he moved here from somewhere around Washington because he got in real big trouble. I also heard his parents are scientists”.


Meet my best friend, or should I say my only friend, Sarah Jones. She’s the complete opposite of me- outgoing, pretty, popular. We’ve been friends since the beginning of grade school. I don’t know how we’ve stayed friends through all these years, maybe it’s because we’re so different.


I sighed. “Sarah, how do you know all this about him? He’s only been here a few minutes.”





“I have my sources”, she said with a smile, “plus I need to know everything about my future husband for safety precautions”.


“You’re unbelievable” I told her as the bell sounded to begin school.











It was a long and tiring day. Everyone was inquiring and curious about the new kid, Luke. Why is he here? What did he do at his old school? I personally didn’t care at all. All day I dreaded the bus ride home. I prayed he wouldn’t be on. I sat in my usual seat, in the back and leaned my head against the cool window.


Don’t get on, don’t get on…


The bus doors closed and I heard the engine start. I sighed with relief.


I felt kind of guilty I was so rude to him this morning. I had no right to judge him. What he must think of me! I could hear the pitter-patter of rain on the roof of the bus.


Through the foggy window and dense rain, I could see a dark figure running across the lot toward the bus. I knew it was him. The doors opened and on walked Luke, the perfect and flawless Luke.


I smiled, he was soaking wet with mud splatters on his jeans.


He wouldn’t dare…


“Hey Ashlen.”, he said with a smile and sat next to me, “Had to make a stop at the office, almost missed the bus”.


I stared at him in disbelief that he actually sat next to me with how I acted this morning.


“So how was your day?” Luke asked.


“Why are you sitting by me? There are plenty of other seats.”


“Why were you being rude to me this morning?”


I glared at him. So this is how it’s going to be. Fine, I’ll play his little game.


“My day was fine, same as always. Why are you sitting next to me?” I said waiting for an answer to my question.


“You smell nice”


I coughed. There must be something wrong with this guy. You don’t sit next to someone just because they smell nice.


“Excuse me?” I managed.


“I said that you have a nice scent. A lot of people smell phony and unclean”, he said, “but you don’t. You smell fresh and ordinary. None of that perfume or cologne.”


“Uh, you smell nice too… I guess.” I blushed. But he was right, he didn’t smell of cologne and smelt nice and clean, I liked it.


“Now tell me why you were in an offensive mood this morning.”


“I, uh, was just having a typical bad morning. You know, skipped breakfast, forgot my jacket, almost missed the bus…” I felt bad lying to him.


“Oh..” he replied


“Then to top it all off I was a complete jerk to you when you hadn’t even done anything to me. I’m sorry.” That part was the truth, believe me or not.


“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. Well, this is my stop. I’ll you see you Monday”


I watched as Luke Evans walked through his lawn to his house.





I smell nice. Nah, there must have been something else. But why is he interested in me?, I thought to myself, Maybe I’m just imagining things. Maybe he’s not interested in me at all, I’m just someone to talk to…


My thoughts were interrupted by the bus honking at a family of deer in the road.


“Only in Oklahoma…” I muttered.


The bus finally came to a stop at my house; Dead grass, chipped white paint, missing shingles, and a single old white car in the drive way indicating that my mother, Ellen, was home. I prepared myself as I walked through the front door.


She was at the kitchen table and in tears as I expected. Today is the anniversary of my dad’s death. We all knew about when he was going to pass away because he had cancer. The doctors told us there was nothing they could do for him because they spotted it too late. His death was a rough time and mom has never really gotten over him being gone. I wasn’t that close to him at all. I said hi to him every once in a while or told him how my day went. I regret not spending more time with him and being more of a daughter to him. I miss him so much.


I decided not to disturb mom and went to my room. I threw my bag down and flopped on the bed trying not to think of the pain.

Is this a good beginning to my new book? really long?
yes
Reply:i would say...yes very good nice job
Reply:I think it's really good. Keep it up :)
Reply:I think it's good, it somehow reminds me of Meg Cabot's work. You've got to add some kind of twist to it tho, or you wont be able to keep it going for long. Good luck!!
Reply:I'm going to be honest, but it doesn't capture my attention. Personally, I think the best beginings start with some action, or at least something to get the reader thinking, "What's going on, I want to know more".
Reply:Its a good start, but you need better transitions between paragraphs and even between sentences.