Tell me what do you think of this excerpt?

This is from a book I am attemting to write. Tell me if you like where it is going. What do you not like. Any ideas that you have that you think I should put in, id be happy to do it and see how it looks.





Alison sat there for a few moments wondering what this could mean. When her wandering eyes were drawn downwards to the blinking watch on her colorless arm. Oh no, it was already 5:30! She had to get home and cook dinner. She sat up hastily; returning the book to where she had found it. Alison shoved the paper into her back pocket. She slipped the pen on to the desk saying her thank yous to the librarian in a hurry. The librarian eyed her suspiciously as she swiftly walked out the door, into the pouring rain.


Alison walked though the screen door stumbling over the miller lite beer cans that littered the floor. She felt beads of water roll off her skin as it seeped into the much-stained carpet. A wave of air hit the back of he legs as the door slammed behind her.


“Alison you’re..

Tell me what do you think of this excerpt?
Sounds pretty good. Honestly, I think you don't need too many adverbs. There's good description in your excerpt already. The part where you said, "She sat up hastily," you don't really need the word "hastily" because the reader can tell she'd be in a rush since she was late.





And the part where you said, "The librarian eyed her suspiciously as she swiftly ..." you don't need the word "swiftly." You could say, "The librarian eyed her suspiciously as she rushed out of the door." Verbs can have as good an effect as adverbs.





That's really all, just too many adverbs. =)





Keep writing, though, and good luck!
Reply:DONT STOP WRITING! Gosh it was good! I loved how you find out that her husband abuses her. You should definetly write a whole novel. WHen you're done tell me the name so I can read it.
Reply:It's really good. But you keep saying her name too much, use she instead sometimes. Otherwise realy great. I wish you the best of luck!
Reply:That was a very good and detailed excerpt, I enjoyed it. The adverbs do good and let you envision the story better.


Well written.
Reply:Sounds good. Maybe add a few more transitional paragraphs, like the run home or how she got from the front door to her bedroom. I agree with the adverb thing, you don't need all of them. If your making it sound like the book is in her head then maybe you don't have to be so "perfect" with the large vocabulary and adverbs...its a teenage girl right? Or is it a grown woman? It's a confusing line there...is Thomas her step-day (and thats why she calls him by his first name) or is he her husband? The whole thing with thomas...maybe you need to make it less of him saying "...you remember what happened last time..." and make it more of in her head she remembers what happened last time, it would make the reader wonder what did and why she's scared and connect with her better. More emotions maybe with how she's feeling. I like it though...if you spent a lot of time writing a book and you didn't lose focus, I think you would write a pretty good one.
Reply:It was excellent! but just one small tip... i agree with people saying there are too many adverbs it makes it a little i suppose choppy to read, try not to overdo the adverbs because it inturupts the flow of the reading..